0010Saturday 28 April 2018

I knew it would happen sooner or later, that I'd fall behind, but I didn't think it would be after just nine entries! On the other hand, to cut myself some slack, I've been unwell (upset tummy, don't know why), and I've had massive environmental disruption thanks to L's dog, which I very stupidly agreed to look after "for a couple of days". He's old and not fully continent any more so he can't be in the bedroom, and as it turns out, wherever I am, he has to be, or he cries in a really awful way. I can't concentrate to do anything on the computer, I can't even watch TV in peace. I'm very glad I didn't let him in the bedroom though because he's anxiety-peed all over the place in the lounge, so I have stinky carpet to deal with now. When L said "a couple of days" she really meant "as long as you can stand it", but I had to assert myself yesterday and insist she come get him.

She owes me. She owes me bigtime. I was so angry I didn't want to say more than absolutely necessary because I would have started screaming at her. I didn't want to set off the bloody dog again and I didn't want the neighbours to hear. I'm surprised actually nobody came knocking to complain about the dog's noise. Maybe it was just worse in here because I couldn't escape it.

Get this: B actually invited me to stay the night. And I couldn't go.

I do like dogs, and animals, in general. I'm just no good with being responsible for any. I learnt the hard way. I got some pet mice when I first moved out on my own. They escaped. There was a minor mouse plague in the building. It was not good. I got kicked out before the end of the lease, had to move back in with the parents for a while. Fucking awful. The humiliation has never left me.

I can't talk to L right now or probably even for a few weeks. I'm letting her think it's that I'm angry because the dog peed on the carpet (the back door was open, it's not far to go and it's not out in the wind, but the dog preferred to stay inside and pee on the floor). I don't want to tell her about B. I don't want to say "I could have stayed over at my boyfriend's" because she won't understand what a big deal it is to me. Also he's not officially my boyfriend. I don't want it maybe getting back to him 5th or 6th or 7th hand that I used that word in connection with him. It could wreck things completely.

Nobody I know, actually, would understand this situation I'm in. After I escaped the abusive relationship with the ex everyone breathed a huge sigh of relief and said things like "she's learned now" and "she won't do that again" but here I am in that kind of situation again, willingly, older and wiser but still choosing to do this because I'm in love with him and love is blind... as the saying goes... but I've known him since high school, it's not like he's just charmed me because I don't know his background. I do know, and I choose to spend time with him because spending time with him makes me happy. Very little else in my fucked up life makes me happy but hanging out with him Makes Me Happy.

If people knew exactly what the situation was, with me and B, they would want to intervene. They wouldn't ask me, consult me, get my side of the story or anything like that, they would just barge in and make decisions for me, force me into situations I don't want and don't need (like possibly hospitalisation, no thanks), and make it even more difficult for me to have any semblance of a normal independent life. H especially, sees himself as my guardian or saviour or something along those lines. He thinks that by always showing me love and acceptance and kindness that I will "naturally" change into what he thinks I should be. Most everyone who knows the both of us thinks we should be together. As a couple. This is because for years I have put others' needs ahead of my own and tried to be A Good Person. But I can't do it forever.

It's been very very hard to establish the necessary emotional and geographical distance between me and people who think they're "qualified" ie entitled to run my life. It's one of the reasons I have very few friends I actually see (as opposed to online friends who are much more my Real and True Friends™ because they don't put me through that crap, even if I'll probably never meet any of them face-to-face). I give people lots of chances to do the right thing but eventually, with most people, there comes a time when I have to tell them to fuck off out of my life because they Do Not Get It. Family especially.

I actually didn't want to talk about that but now that I've typed it I'll leave it.

In summary of the missing (entryless) days...
• Wednesday morning L called and asked me to look after Old Dog for "a couple of days" so she could get some cleaning done. She dropped him off, his blanket, food, chew toys etc. By Wednesday night I was in tears. Didn't sleep much because he was obviously very distressed to be left alone so I had to curl up on the sofa with him, which wasn't comfortable at all. I kept dreaming about B, being out with him in various places, constantly trying to catch his eye or get his attention or make sure he wasn't going to leave without me.
• Thursday I tried to play with the dog (gently) but he didn't seem to understand what I wanted him to do. Tried to distract myself online but dog was super-jealous of the laptop and kept trying to knock it off my lap. Didn't have enough room to put it on the table (because I'm messy) and couldn't put it on the sofa because the dog would have sat/jumped on it, so had to give up on that. Couldn't watch TV because the dog didn't like it, basically (constantly made noise at it). Texted B a few times on Thursday but he didn't respond.
• Friday morning B asked me to stay over (Friday night) and I had to say I couldn't because I was dogsitting. I tried to get hold of L in desperation so I could maybe last-minute go to B's, but by the time she finally responded it was too late, he'd made conflicting plans. And even then she wouldn't agree to pick up the dog til Saturday morning.

Other dreams I had included a semi-recurring one where I've lived in a house for "ages" (months at least) but there are parts of the house I've never been into, and it's not a particularly big house. Sometimes it's because somebody's parents have been living in the unseen rooms and I don't want to intrude, other times because I have so much furniture I've just stuffed it wherever it will fit which results in not being able to get into some rooms at all. One of my RL former housemates was present in that dream but I don't remember the context now. The ex was in another dream, looking like he did before I met him. I've only ever seen one photo of him like that and I don't think I've ever before dreamed of him looking like that (usually he looks like he did when I first met him). I don't remember the details of that dream now, just the general sense of unease. Basically I had a shit ton of anxiety dreams and really crappy sleep. Not that I sleep well anyway, but I didn't think it could get worse. Oh, yes it can.

So today I caught up on sleep a bit, and was angry and upset and couldn't vent properly, and gave myself a headache from being angry and upset, and ate too much, and didn't get anything useful done at all. No grocery shopping, no laundry. I am seriously about to run out of clothes.

Tomorrow I need to find a pet supplies kinda shop and buy some whatever stuff they sell that will get the stink of dog piss out of my carpet. I have to hold my breath when I walk through the lounge. It's really fucking vile.

Yours dysfunctionally,
Tansy

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