0011Tuesday 1 May 2018

I barely know what day it is. I have to keep checking. Still feeling a bit unwell. It comes and goes. I'll be all right for a little while then suddenly too hot or freezing cold, head feels wrong, I've got the shakes, etc. I don't think it's anything serious, mainly a nuisance. More serious though is the flea infestation in the sofa. I saw no fleas on the dog and he wasn't scratching in an obvious way, but my sofa, which did not have fleas before, now has fleas, and I've got flea bites all over my legs, arms, hands, and some on my neck. Something else L can owe me for (getting the sofa steam cleaned). The carpet still smells, too.

I've been trying to sleep off whatever's been wrong with me so I've hardly touched the laptop in two days. I was working on a new design... but I've completely lost track of what I was up to, will have to delete the files I have open and start over, because I can't follow what I was doing. I know I was experimenting with something new (full-cover background image) but none of what I'd coded so far makes sense, now, looking over it. That means I've forgotten whatever I learned last week. I was working on other things too, but I'm even less clear now where I'd got to with them. Can't find any actual writing of substance so I guess I only worked on layout?? My head still buzzes a little, when I try to concentrate on anything that doesn't come easily into focus, into the forefront of my mind.

So, one of the matters I have been contemplating for probably about two weeks now, is how much support does Neocities actually get from its paying users? $5 a month per user is $60 a year, which really isn't much. On the other hand, they don't do databases/wordpress/stuff like that, so server specs might not be as exacting as other hosts? I tried to count how many paying users there were, then I realised I was counting sites, not users, and there's no way to tell, unless a user openly admits, how many sites they have. As a paying user myself I should have realised that immediately. *facepalm*

I've also been thinking about additional pages I "should" have... and questioning the need for "should" and why I feel that way. Round and round. Feel free to fall over if you get dizzy. I thought there might be anticipated questions, like a FAQ but nobody's asked the questions (and may never do so). Like, who am I writing this for? If it's only for myself, why bother to put it online (somewhere public)? Or why put it on Neocities instead of a domain (which is cheap and simple enough these days) of my own where I can control every last little detail (if you've been paying attention, if you care, haha, you would have figured out by now that I like to have control over every bloody thing). Why this, why that, why the other...

Is it recursive irony I'm thinking of? Nobody's going to ask the questions if I've already provided the information, but by providing the information I'm assuming anyone is interested... (???)

Or I'm just feeling sorry for myself because I have two Neocities followers. "Only" two. My first site here had quite a lot, and then I let them all down by updating less and less frequently before finally disappearing without a word, for over a year. Or closer to two. Most of the sites that I followed then haven't been updated in a long time either. But that's okay.

I'm seething over not being able to stay over at B's, I'm seething over being taken advantage of by L, I'm pissed at myself that I fail so badly at adulting I couldn't manage to look after a doddery old dog for a couple of days... so I'm feeling sorry for myself. But you can't make people like you. I'm not going to spam people's profiles begging for followers. If it was an audience I wanted I'd go on Insta or some other well-trafficked place. If I wanted quantity over quality there are plenty of places I could pimp myself out. But if my content is so damn boring that nobody cares, then my content is boring and nobody cares. Which brings me back to why I'm doing this in the first place.

1. Who am I writing this for?
Me, mainly. But the vain part of my ego hopes someone else might like to read it too. More than one someone else. Just nobody I know IRL. You know how it is...

2. Why put it online?
It's a motivational thing. If it's online I will (hopefully) keep updating. Otherwise I'll just slack off on the slightest excuse and be mad at myself later for not keeping a record of my *cough* fascinating *cough* life.

3. Why put it on Neocities rather than a private domain?
Again, motivation. If it's on a space I control completely then I will get so perfectionist about it that I will spend weeks/months on layout and fussing with all kinds of backend stuff, and not produce any content. The point is to produce content. Having the potential for an audience is the virtual pointy stick prompting me to keep producing. In theory.

4. Who are B, H, L, etc?
People I know, obviously. Should I make a "cast" list? I "probably" "should". I feel like I ought to, give some minimal explanation for who these people are. That may yet happen, a Cast page. If anyone really wants one, let me know.

5. Why 'tansied'?
It's a username. It was available. It's a name I like. It has some letters in common with the name (Tansy) I'm using here. Which is not my real name, but at least is a name I'm comfortable using in public.

To add insult to injury I've been dreaming about the dog. Dreaming that I'm trying to take him for a walk (which wasn't required in reality, thank goodness). Trying to walk him through what is supposed to be the grounds of my high school, but it's in the middle of being landscaped or redeveloped or something like that. There are kids around and it makes me feel self-conscious because I obviously can't control this dog I'm meant to be walking. At one point I have to pick him up and carry him. Earlier in that dream or just in an earlier dream I was upstairs in the main building and I took the wrong stairs only to find I couldn't get out that way and I had to ask permission from the Deputy Head, and I had to admit that I was an old student who hadn't been there in a while and didn't know those stairs were now for staff only. Humiliation!

It's all about humiliation, see.

Yours dysfunctionally,

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