0012Wednesday 2 May 2018

B unexpectedly responded to my texts today, and in a really nice way, which gives me hope for the near future. Might see him this weekend? Please please please yes. I've been calming my jitters at night by pretending I've been working a late shift and get home round midnight and he's waiting for me, and I can crawl into bed next to him and he'll hug me sleepily and I can be warm and safe and loved. Sad and pathetic and I would be so embarrassed if he knew about it, but it's the only way to get some relief from the ongoing anxiety.

The scales have finally started moving down. I don't entirely believe what they say because, hello, my clothes do not weigh a kilo and there's no way I can put on/lose 1 or 2 kilos overnight, but the scales seem to say what they want and it bears little relation to what I think I actually weigh. I can tell I've lost some though (finally!!) because my jeans are looser. I probably don't deserve to have lost any because I keep having little binges on and off, or at least, I keep eating really shit food. Like chips. Which I did again today, in fact. But whatever. I only "had to" lose 8kg this year and I'm ahead of schedule on that so if I plateau now and then it's okay, as long as the scales don't keep going up and up. Up and down over the course of a week, as long as it steadies, or drops a little after, is okay. I'm still figuring out how to consistently lose a little at a time. If I had to stick to losing 300g or 500g a week I would go mad. That's not enough progress! I need to see 1kg steps of progress or it just seems like a joke.

Yeah, I think I'm definitely struggling with what I "deserve". Self-sabotaging, all that shit. Not too seriously self-sabotaging, and my "binges" are relatively controlled. Am I being too hard on myself or not hard enough? I don't know. I'm doing my best on my own. I can acknowledge that I have done some good work... But when I look back to the start of this health-improvement kick it's like recounting a dream, or looking back on a part of my life that is years ago, not just months. I feel very disconnected from the process most of the time. I feel disconnected from my immediate past a lot of the time. I feel hopelessly removed from my origins, my childhood, my cultural beginnings. I can't figure out how I got from There to Here (or "then" to "now"). I spend a lot of time thinking about it but it still seems incomprehensible.

Saw Clive this afternoon and he remarked how noticeably slimmer I am. That was nice of him. He's never really been judgmental about my size, except sometimes to mildly criticise my slowness with stairs and hills. Then again, he cancels that out with all the other criticisms he makes. But I can rarely tell him when he's being an asshole. It seems mean to assert myself. Oh, wait, that's fucked up. Why do I feel that way??? Not the first time I've asked myself that question, and I still don't know the answer. Because he has even fewer friends than I do? So I feel I should make extra effort to overlook his foot-in-mouth unsocial graces (for want of a better term)? Though there have been times when I snap and make it clear he's overstepped the line. I'm not convinced he understands "the line" though. The zillions of times he's demonstrated he doesn't grok personal space and boundaries and what should obviously be private... Yeah. Don't wanna get into that again. It's a quagmire.

H has been hinting he wants to hang out on the weekend. I really do not want to but I have obligations there. Better to try to compromise than have him turn up at the door. No way am I letting him in. So we might meet for coffee or lunch or something. I really want to get definite plans with B first so I don't agree to see H only to suddenly find out that's the only time B had free.

The point at which I will have to tell H about B is drawing closer. I don't want B feeling like I'm ashamed of him or I'm trying to get something out of H by being dishonest with H. Also I don't want H thinking god knows what... about me and B. I don't want H thinking he's got any kind of right to confront B. I do not, no way, want those boys getting aggro with each other. Physically they're evenly matched but B will be more aggressive and H will be more emotional and ... it will end very badly. So I have to steel myself for horrible confrontation between me and H and make it really really clear that I do value his friendship but I don't want to date him or be (ugh) fwb (no no no no no no no) or anything like that. No blurring of the lines. He's my friend, I do care about him, but Not Like That, and I'm in love with B (although I haven't told B yet, and I don't know if I will, because if I don't get any indication that it would be okay to say so I'd rather not, because I don't want to ruin things and have him cut me out of his life).

Telling Clive will also be no fun. He will strongly disapprove. But with any luck he might decide to avoid me for a few weeks or months. That would be a relief, in fact. It will be hard enough dealing with the aftermath of telling H. Also TD. At least SD has met B and they got on okay. Not great, but okay. I don't expect TD to understand even remotely, but I will have to tell her anyway, because if she hears it from H it will certainly be distorted in H's favour, and against me, like every other time H has gone around telling people supposed "facts" about me. Fucking fuck, I hate this whole social politics thing.

If people would just mind their own business... If people didn't feel entitled to tell me how to run my life... Fucking fuck.

Yours dysfunctionally,

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